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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24250876">Fluff Dungeon Rehab Program</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn'>slotumn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sex Bandit Chronicles [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, Holding Hands, Humor, Kink Meme, M/M, Mind Break, Multi, Sexual Humor, Why Did I Write This?, but not in the way you think, in garreg mach twink obliterates you, no beta we die like Glenn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:08:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>962</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24250876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Get ready, fellas," probably-leader growled, looking down at the hooded figures of their targets. "Tonight, we're forcing some broads and bastards to bang, no matter what it takes."</p><p>The gang murmured soft "Yes, sir's" and got into position.</p><p>He grinned.</p><p>Yes, tonight, the Sex Bandits would be revived, and the doctrine of Being Forced To Fuck At Knifepoint would reign supreme over Garreg Mach.</p><p>A.K.A. Yuri obliterates the Sex Bandits, but not in the way you think.</p><p>Original Prompt: "Those darn sex bandits are back at it again. Despite being bested at their own game, they are NOT willing to back down.</p><p>I'd love to see the sex bandits get lectured by one of the more godly characters in this game. Maybe Mercedes lends a willing ear and they end up crying about their bad childhoods on her shoulder. Maybe they run upon Seteth, who is armed to the teeth with the chastity devices he seems to always keep around. It's up to you. Get creative, and show those darn sex bandits the light of the goddess."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>catherine/shamir (background), cyril/hilda (background), ignatz/raphael (background), leonie/lorenz (background), linhardt/marianne (background), lysithea/claude (background), yuri/hapi (background)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sex Bandit Chronicles [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748956</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>FE3H Kink Meme</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fluff Dungeon Rehab Program</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Done for a <a href="https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/476.html?style=site&amp;thread=736732">kink meme</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The guy who may or may not have been the leader of the Sex Bandits (he seemed to be leading the gang, but he never checked to see if he was actually the leader) couldn't take it anymore.</p><p>Because forcing young attractive nobles to have hardcore, unprotected, mutually non-consensual sex with multiple creampies was one thing--</p><p>"If you want the extra macaron, Lysithea, you'll have to give me a kiss~"<br/>
"Gods dammit, Claude! ...Lean down."</p><p>"Hey, careful how you use that lance, Lorenz, you're gonna wear it out too fast if you keep swinging it like that! Here, try this--"<br/>
"Leonie! It's improper for us to be standing this close--"</p><p>"You want to draw me? Well, I dunno much about this art thing, but if that's what you want, Ig!"<br/>
"Thank you, Raphael...! You'll be a beautiful model, I'm sure of it!"</p><p>"Ah, Marianne, there you are. Would you like to join me for a nap?"<br/>
"Um, I...o-of course, Linhardt."</p><p>"Cyril~ The axes are too heavy~!"<br/>
"I don't know how how ya expect me to believe that when you've been swinging around Freikugel, but...fine, I'll carry it."</p><p>--but these open displays of pure, wholesome affection, like teasing and bantering and blushing and hugging and, the worst of all, h*nd h*lding?</p><p>Awful. Unacceptable. Absolutely blasphemous to his religion of Sex Banditry. </p><p>He and his boys did their best to hold back and only use their techniques on the battlefield, after they were forced to fuck each other and subjugated by that (horrible, lovey-dovey) couple, Lysithea and Claude-- but everyone had a breaking point, and watching all these fucks get butterflies in their stomachs and fall heads over heels for each other was theirs.</p><p>Enough was enough, he decided, and it was about damn time they finally stood for themselves.</p><p>"Get ready, fellas," probably-leader growled, looking down at the hooded figures of their targets. "Tonight, we're forcing some broads and bastards to bang, no matter what it takes."</p><p>The gang murmured soft "Yes, sir's" and got into position.</p><p>He grinned.</p><p>Yes, tonight, the Sex Bandits would be revived, and the doctrine of Being Forced To Fuck At Knifepoint would reign supreme over Garreg Mach.</p><p>---</p><p>"Surprise, bitch!" yelled a purple twink, rapidly moving one hand to slice dicks off of the Sex Bandit mooks and doing finger guns with the other to also blast some dicks off.</p><p>Probably-leader's eyes widened. </p><p>"Yuri?! What the fuck are ya doing here?!?"</p><p>"Showing the light of the goddess to some sex bandits, what the fuck do you think?" Yuri responded, and with a snap of his fingers, summoned Mockingbird's Thieves battalion to capture all the bandits who weren't castrated-- including the probably-leader. </p><p>They were dragged off, kicking and screaming, to a large chamber in the Abyss.</p><p>"Wh-what the hell is this, the Church's hidden sex dungeon?!" probably-leader exclaimed, as his limbs and head were locked and fixed onto a large iron chair.</p><p>"No, dumbass, this is the Church's hidden fluff dungeon," the Savage Mockingbird replied, lovingly wrapping his arms around Hapi, who just walked in along with many others. "This is where sinners like you repent...by being forced to watch couples partake in pure, loving, wholesome activities until your degenerate minds break."</p><p>Probably-leader trembled as a bunch of couples, including the five Golden Deer pairs he had a problem with earlier, lined up next to the large stage in the front.</p><p>"We're up first!" Catherine announced, locking arms with her partner. "Ready to show them what partners-of-ten-years-turned-lovers can do?"</p><p>"I suppose this is a part of job," Shamir shrugged, then walked onto the stage. </p><p>"Please, gods, no, anything but that!!!" one of the bandits cried, having traumatic flashbacks to the time a pair in their gang realized they were in love with each other after years of sex banditry together, then ran off to settle down and become a happily married gay couple. </p><p>"These guys are really obnoxious, Yuri-bird. Are you sure this is going to be worth it?" Hapi asked, after casually landing a kiss on her lover's cheek.

</p>
<p>"I'm...sorry...I've failed you all..." probably-leader muttered, as his eyes were assaulted by an overwhelming display of mutual trust between the two knights. "Oh no...I'm being purified...!!! No!!!"</p><p>Yuri laughed and held hands with Hapi.</p><p>---</p><p>Many hours later, probably-leader's face was blushing and contorted into a silly drooling grin with hearts coming out of his eyes, like in those pornographic illustrations.</p><p>"Enjoying yourself so far?" Yuri asked, leaning down with a smirk that only a guy who was both extremely pretty (with eyeshadows on-point) and packed a massive meat could give.</p><p>"It'sh, shooo...wholesome," probably-leader slurred. </p><p>Yuri unlocked the shackles around the bandit leader's wrists before casually breaking the fourth wall with his huge dick and turning the camera so that probably-leader would face the audience.</p><p>"Got anything to say to the good people of the Fire Emblem Three Houses Kink Meme?"</p><p>Probably-leader held up both of his hands in peace signs.</p><p>"I'm sorry everyone...! After this...I can't go back to forcing your favorite couples to bang under dire circumstances anymore...! I've become a slave to mutually caring relationships born out of deep love and trust...!"</p><p>"Damn right," purple twink nodded, then dragged another limp bandit onto the camera. "Now, show them exactly how wholesome you are!" </p><p>The two bandits' fingers, which have never touched anything but shitty swords and axes used to threaten the fandom's favorite characters into fucking, clasped and interwined together. </p><p>Probably-leader's eyes rolled back as he felt the thing called "affection" for the first time in his life and screamed,</p><p>
  <em>"Oh gods, I'm holding haaaaands!!!!!"</em>
</p><p>And this, my friends, is what happens when you put too much time and effort into what is essentially an elaborate shitpost. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/slotumn?s=09">My twitter</a><br/><br/>I...guess this thing has a continuity now?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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